a birthday in the rain

I woke up at 12:02 am to the sound of our girl needing some sustenance and mama. “We’re getting this party started early,” I thought, as I scooped her out of her crib & nestled her little body against mine, realizing how ferociously the rain was pouring down outside. 

To the sound of the water plummeting, my tears began to flow. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Family gatherings. They’re all viewed through a different lens now; one of memories and longing, one of retracing the playing out of how his once-strong body diminished before my tired eyes.  Life is two stages: one before and one after the loss of my dad. 

I’m taken back to only months ago while sitting by his bedside - in the very spot he took his final breath - studying the intricacies of his elbows, and wondering to myself how many times those elbows must have extended and bent in his lifetime. Fixing cars, sitting behind a steering wheel, wiping up after children, rubbing backs, cheering on sporting events. 

The sound of the thunder jolts me back to the present moment. I get you, Mother Nature; stormy & ferocious one moment, then sunny and bright the next. I see Skyla’s little elbow & caress it with my finger. Her skin is soft & perfect.  My heart crumbles all over again over her loveliness. How did I get so lucky?

I’d like to say my birthday eventually took a turn from the gloom for the brightness, but I’d be lying. It rained all day along with my aching heart. But that’s okay.

There were happy moments scattered along the day: 

Brady bringing us lunch home so we could eat together, his surprise panda birthday wishes on our gym computer and obnoxiously hilarious birthday song playlist.  

Liam sort-of gifting me a Paw Patrol birthday balloon to which he proclaimed we would share!  

Skyla’s snuggles, bear crawls, and giggles. 

Many birthday wishes from friends & family - both funny & sincere.  

Taking in the view of the beautiful roses given to me by my brother & soon-to-be sister-in-law.

Stopping by the big MDU open house with my babies & mom. 

Receiving this old photo in the mail from my beloved Aunt Pat (my dad’s sister).  My dad would have been 34/35 years old here & baby Katie around a year, or slightly less.  He was so handsome and vibrant.

There were lots of tears yesterday, too. Ugly cries. One giant sobbing, snotty cry after discovering that the birthday voicemail left by my dad from one year ago was gone. Which lead me to me realize that all of them from him are gone. Every voicemail from before April 1st, his last day on earth, is gone. My mom spoke words of comfort to me after the intense anger and sadness came pouring out. I really don’t know what I’d do without her. 

This year has thrown us some big changes, and it’s dawned on me just how much I need to give myself space to heal. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. 

I’m stepping back the pace to be more intentional with the hours of the day.  I am putting away the distractions, 'to-do' lists, & social media to just be.  It's time to tackle the hard thing that I’ve blatantly been avoiding for months: sit with my grief & feel.  That space lacks security & is untethered. But I know for the sake of my health and my family, it is necessary. 

Our little-big boy starts 4K next week. Fall activities will begin.  And while I am oh-so overcome with a mix of wanting to cheer and put on my brave game face for him, my mama’s heart is trying to wrap itself around the fact that he is 4.5 years old & beginning school. Have we done enough to prepare him for the hours of the day where he will face some big life lessons?  This is where I turn to Jesus and continue to pray fervently for our son. 

Our baby girl changes every day. I want to breath in these moments with her, soak in her smells, & continue to memorize her baby-ness. I will never take this for granted.  

Brady. He’s gotten one crab-tastic wife lately. Our schedules don’t always allow for much needed, sacred time as a couple, so whether it’s a quick lunch date or sitting together at the end of the day to slow down, I am recommitting to giving him a better me. A fully present me.  

33 - I am ready for you. Whatever this year may bring. This woman is counting her immense blessings. This woman is digging deeper, holding her ground and will never give up.

For my husband, for my children, for me.